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Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie

Some uberfan has constructed a useful list of rules for surviving a horror movie (should you find yourself inside one). There’s several dozen, here are some of my favorites…
  • If you’re searching for something that caused a mysterious noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
  • If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • When you’re searching a house because you think there’s something dangerous there, for God’s sake turn the lights on!
  • Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.
  • Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
  • Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery and a full tank of gas so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
  • Never say that you’ll be right back, because you won’t.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
  • Always check the back seat of your car.
  • Listen closely to the sound track and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
  • And the #1 rule for surviving a horror movie:
    • DON’T HAVE SEX!!!
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About ilanaturgy

Ilana Brownstein is a dramaturg and director specializing in new play development, based in Boston. She is the Founding Dramaturg at Playwrights' Commons and the Director of New Work at Company One.

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